Health Protocol Humorist Gifts

Pandemic Mask

Baseball is very different now. We can't spit on the field but we must spit into a tube.

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

"And as soon as he's on the mend,we'll get the physiotherapist in here with a ball of twine."

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

Lactose Intolerant

"The first one's just a warning."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

PSA Banter.

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

Medical Building Directory: Dr. Larry Nix, Dr. Sally Putty, etc..

"The tests confirms you have short-term memory loss."

Cardiac Recovery.

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

'No, Mr. Simmons, your MR images aren't in yet. We have older equipment, which takes a little longer to process.'

Providing Healthcare For All

"That's an awfully large small intestine and an awfully small large intestine."

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

"I won't stick my tongue out. You told me it was rude."

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

MEDICAL SCHOOL, 'I didn't know you COULD specialize in insurance.'

"Happy birthday, dear. You still have that sparkle in your eyes!" "That sparkle burned out years ago. These are cataracts."

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

'Believe me, Mr, Hart, Laughter really is the best medicine,'

"All my symptoms are old ... "

Man Eating Minimalist Meal