Health Hijinks Pillows

'What can you give me for my liver?' 'A pound of onions!'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'The vegetables sat in the crisper for hours...days...a whole week. Then suddenly, the drawer opened. A hand reached in, grabbed the kale, and all you could hear was the sound of...A Garbage disposal.'

'Cock-a-doodle-doo!' 'Cut back on the chicken soup.'

'I just came back from the allergist. I'm allergic to life.'

Cuba detected a variant of HIV

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

'When I die could you preserve my liver for medical research? You've done that already.'

Ebola Clinic

'Don't look at me like that! I know it's a banned substance, OK? But how can I compete if I'm the only one in the league not using spinach?!'

'Frankly, the diet I'm putting you on will include things that you probably wouldn't consider 'food' as such.'

You're going to give me a hay fever shot? Shouldn't I be getting an anti hay fever shot?

'...time you had your ears syringed?'

"I'm afraid a hearing aid will make me look old."

"Patient. . . seems. . . reluctant. . . to get his. . . prostate. . . checked. . ."

'Maybe I've got washboard abs underneath - you ever think that?'

"In my expert medical opinion, you are suffering from hypochondria."

'No, you can't count an extra olive in your martini as a serving of vegetables.'

CITY CLINIC: 'I want to see whichever doctor is the fattest.'

Doctor to man: 'Don't kid yourself. You don't have athlete's foot - more like couch potato's corns.'

'You're problem is you don't think big enough.'

'Stick to your diet or our talking scale will rat you out!'

'...this x-ray shows that your husband took a surgical instrument fromt he operating room.'

Egyptians stuck in position line up to see the chiropractor.

"Has anyone in your family ever had a history of exercise?"

'I'm trying to watch my weight so I hope that's low fat!'

'Young man, haven't you ever heard of the hippocratic oath?'

'Which of the high cholesterol foods are the safest?'

How's the diet going? - 'The first 8 minutes has been tough.' - 'How come?' - 'I had to skip my pre-mid morning post-mini-brunch snack.' - 'I don't think I can take it anymore...' - 'Hang in there, big guy...' -

'Let's talk about the best way to use nicotine patches.'

"I thought you said you were watching your weight!"