Health Fad Explorer Gifts

"That's pork - the meat of the pig. It makes an excellent substitute for tofu."

Raw food, after you leave for work.

"Vitamin B6, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Kelp, Brewer's Yeast, Aspirin?"

'Miss Raleigh. I'm studying megatrends. Bring me some megavitamins.'

"I used to be a vegetarian. Then I became a vegan. Then a fruitarian. Now I only eat manna that falls from Heaven."

"Don't bother gathering carbs for me, I'm on the Paleo diet."

"Slow down. I need another drink. Can we rest for a minute?"

Too Skinny, Too Fat

"I've been on a diet for 5 weeks and can safely tell you that I've lost 5 weeks."

"I just found a lacto-vegan restaurant and Janet from accounts says she's FRUITAIAN!"

"Here's to us, kid—and the healing powers of raw juices."

"We can address the underlying problems ... or ... you can keep your head in the sand."

"So does this Flamingo diet have any side effects?"

"Tell you what, dude, I'm writing you a prescription for a scented candle and some granola."

'When I die could you preserve my liver for medical research? You've done that already.'

'Those are to increase my mental energy. . . Those are a mild sedative to calm my nerves.'

"As far as I can tell, meditation is just worrying minus the content."

"It's a very hip disease, so it's good that we caught it early, before everyone's talking about it."

"They harvest our noses then liquify them and drink the juice. They believe it gives them special powers called 'antioxidants'."

"Which celebrities do this type of yoga?"

A woman stops at a building directory sign for Centers for Diseases.

The Decafé

'Enough with the eye of newt. Do you know how many calories there are in newt eyes?'

'I think your overdoing the pineapple juicing!'

'Nothing says congrats on a healthy new diet than an arrangement of broccoli, fruit and cauliflower!'

Tell me more about the sunflower seed diet.

"It's a new craft beverage with zero carbs, zero calories, and no bitter aftertaste. It's called water."

The Plot To Fatten America Into Submission

'Who wants to live longer if you have to live without cookies.'

Firewood for Sale

Contains No Coconut Oil

"I can deal with the cold, but the fear that this might not be the answer to all my problems is beginning to get to me."

Retrospective contraceptive.

"You ever notice that the gluten-free ones have a funny aftertaste?"

"How's the banana diet coming along?"