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The Plot To Fatten America Into Submission

'Who wants to live longer if you have to live without cookies.'

'You claim that you are 'Big boned'. Luckily it doesn't show as you are even 'Bigger fleshed'!'

"All right, let's admit genetically-modified food will have an effect on people. It's fifty-fifty it'll be a good effect."

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

"Oh, please. Lord, no ... I'm only 50! No, please – anything but reading glasses!"

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

I applied for a job with NASA but they turned me down. I think it was because I told them I wanted to be an astronaut because in space, you can't cry because there's no gravity and tears can't flow.

'Looks like Shelia has overdone it with the cream scones this week!'

'Sometimes I think if it wasn't for Lucy here, I'd go mad.'

Diet Books: Fiction/Non-Fiction

Deep in the Heart of Texas: The Cholesterol Kid.

Ed finally had to admit that his body was less of a temple and more of a worn-out parish church with a bouncy castle out front.

Doctor to overweight patient: 'I assure you, stomach stapling is quite routine these days.'

"Ever since the accident, I can't seem to get it together."

"How am I supposed to trust my gut when it can't even handle a little dairy?"

Lactose intolerance.

"Krazy straw"

How are you feeling, Al? I couldn't be happier, Dr. Kapuchnik. Gee, that's great. No, I mean I wanted to be happier, but I couldn't.

Odd Spas

"I'd consider taking out this appendix you'renot using and greatly expanding your kidney area."

'My guru thinks you're nuts.'

"Tell you what, dude, I'm writing you a prescription for a scented candle and some granola."

Just one of the many ways self-help books can improve people's lives.

A man's health care options.

'Only one side effect - colossal pain...'

"I've been using the latest home tech and apps to monitor my health....And after feeding the results into some online medical sites I discovered I was dead!"

No. 83 In A Series OF Extraordinary Unlikely Events.

Sir, we have plenty of fine herbal tea for you to sample...but you're drinking the potpourri.

'The bartender referred me to a shoe shine boy, and the shoe shine boy referred me to you.'

Clearly, you've been burning the candle at both ends, Mr. Fusco. You have the wick of a man twice your age.

"Damn, Tyler, I thought you'd worked through all that in therapy."

''Why, I feel as light as a feather,' thought Shirley, 'I don't think I'll go on that diet, after all!'

'It was cheaper and less painful than a Gastric Band procedure...'

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"