Health Advice Skeptic Prints

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

This is Dr. Sadie. What's your question, caller? How can I tell if my cold is really bronchitis? Stop yer sniveling. In my day, a body would hope it was bronchitis. It gave you a chance to prove your grit! Nothing like a touch of burning pain, wheezing, and crackling in the chest to separate the women from the girls. What kind of doctor are you, again?

"My doctor said I needed to go on a diet. . . Yes, to a new doctor!"

'It's supposed to be FIVE portions a day.'

'According to Dr Alvin McDowell, everything that was good for you is now bad for you!'

'The doctor said I should cut down on my alcohol intake, so I've stopped eating wine gums.'

'Personally I take all these programmes with a pinch of salt.'

'Is there another doctor in the house? He wants a second opinion.'

'Let me through, I'm at Doctor.com.'

"Nice try, Jim, but there's no such thing as a 'Beer cleanse'."

"They say that 'laughter is the best medicine', which is great because your health plan doesn't cover the real stuff!"

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"He's so anti-regulation he won't even take a laxative."

'Where exactly did you get this 'Lifestyle Guru' from?'

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

'Frank, leak to the tabloids that these slow moving broccoli flakes cure cancer.'

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

I'm going to switch you to a new medication that does more advertising.

'My philosophy has always been, sell advice, don't follow it.'

"Whoa! Now I remember. This was one of the possible side effects on the label."

"It turns out our health plan does cover eyeglasses."

"Wellness clinics, stress-management checkups, hypertension screenings, lab tests, crisis after crisis. Fibre foods, fish-oil capsules, unsaturated spreads, plaque. Say what they may, McCormack, we did it our way."

The council wanted us to have a Healthy Lifestyle Monitor

'You are talking about health? Ha! My cig does not have calories, fat, cholesterol, carbohydrates and sugar!'

'Yes, yes, yes, now seriously, what can we do to improve our health?'

"Are you sure you don't want to try just one miracle drug before you die?"

'You can do whatever you want, Herb, but I sure wouldn't take advice from a bowl of alphabet soup!'

'Extreme acupuncture.'

'I recommend a second opinion so the HMO won't second guess me.'

'Sorry, our HMO doesn't approve treatments of 'owies'.'

'Your employer's health plan automatically cancels your coverage once you get sick.'

'Coins, when swallowed, cause cancer. Perhaps money should be banned.'

"Your insurance company decided the heart surgery isn't necessary, but they said they'd approve breast augmentation."

"In a nutshell Mr. Beesley, you have hypochondria."

Toilet roll beauty tips.