Gynecologists Pillows

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

Doctor delivers sonogram results, which include the baby's sex, his claustrophobia, his taste for trashy women...'

"Nine months in here?? I trust I can get out in seven months with good behaviour!"

'We decided to change the name of our practice to appeal to the young, hip demographic.'

"Great! I must be growing. The womb was less than half full last week."

May the force be with you

Obstetricians with far too little training...

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

Birth canal: Keep clear at all times.

"Wow! According to this if I dig straight down I'll find a delivery suite."

"This could be quite boring. No club jumper, no theme song and no pie nights!"

"Oh, oh!!"

"His first out-of-body experience."

"We've made great progress!"

The cell phone soother for life.

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

A midwife holding a baby

'Don't worry. It's never too hot or never too cold.'

Pregnant lady being greeted by foetus.

"There's your son's heartbeat, and over here is the app he's developing."

"Four years of dental school only to tell all my patients 'Don't worry about any tooth issues - they'll just fall out and be replaced, anyway'."

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

"No wonder babies are born screaming. I haven't had a wink of sleep since the exit light came on!"

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

"Same old same old. How about you?"

"That's all I get? A sonogram? No tracking number?"

"Remember, pregnancy is like taking an exciting thrill ride at an amusement park only the seats are larger."

'I'm keeping a scrap book. All I've got so far is one umbilical cord.'

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

"The answer to bone loss is to bury them deeper.'

"The amnio's fine, the sex is male, and the name is Wade."

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

No kicking: 12-6 Mon-Sun

"Congratulations! It's a bitch!"

"Aah! Bless! Look at him on his I-pad!"