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True Grit

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"No, it wasn't a sinkhole. Your old TV was so heavy the ground could no longer take the weight."

Gifts for a cloned baby!

"You left this on our ship."

Crap from the future.

"We have to take that science away from Tommy...he's genetically modified the cat!"

'Tiddles has left everything to an old folks' home.'

"Sorry sir - the self-propelling pencils have all just walked out..."

"And that's General Ambrose T. Spangler. He died in the Great Mustache Fire of 1897."

Astral Projection

Andy Oxidant meets Free Radical.

'I've got no problem with December, but what do I blog about the rest of the year?'

Pet Cemetery.

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"Daddy is off to work in a data mine."

He wanted a different one.

'Can I have flies with that'

"John, wake up, I think the mattress has stopped breathing."

"No monsters, but there's a tear in the carpeting and I see hardwood!"

'So,,,apparently you're really a dude,'

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

"Despite thoroughly scraping the celebrity barrel, that Orwellian nightmare Celebrity Big Brother is back on our screens again."

"Yes, alright! I know it's a small mountain... I'm only a novice oracle."

'Why do I get the impression that my 401(k) isn't performing well.'

'It's a giant inkblot on loan from the psychiatrist who owns the unit next door.'

The Monroe Doctrine

'Henry was an undecided voter four years ago when he entered that voting booth, and I'm still waiting for him to decide and come home.'

Updated fairy tales - "Cinderella." Dating Service. It's not often we get a client looking for a specific shoe size.

Litter Tray Stonehenge

'Well, somebody on this stupid little planet ordered an extra-large with pepperoni and mushrooms!'

"The way you look at me, Craig... you really see me."

Cow Cong vs Toilet Rolls.

Toenail clipping missile.

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