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'Hey, I'm just happy to have made the practice squad of an NFL team. And if I do a good job, who knows?'

Coach to football players: 'And no cuddling!'

'Another football scholarship offer?'

"He tested positive for a new fever ... TB12."

'OK, everybody, calm down,,,'

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

"Good news...I found a doctor who says you can still play!"

Good luck tonight, xoxo, Coach.

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

'At least we don't have to accomplish anything in order to go to a bowl game.'

Football team discussions.

Input From The Front Office

American Football.

Mark Gastineau

"This guy's a terrific defensive lineman. I once saw him chase down a quakerback for nearly 40 yards before sacking him. It was in a shopping mall, but still..."

"Awfully quiet... Must be a big game on!"

"If you think it's tough at this level, kid, wait until you get into calculus."

'The Wilsons picked up a quarterback in the off-season. The Riveras picked up a quarterback. The Ludwigs picked up a quaterback...'

"I'd say your pride trumps mine!!!" "Me, too!!!"

Rest in Peace Instant Replay

Snowman Football Fan.

'I've decided to skip my senior year and go directly into an endless cycle of unrealistic expectations and failure.'

Football.

'When Einstein wrote about time and relativity he must have been watching a football game where the last 30 seconds took two hours.'

Punishment for the kicker.

'That was one of the most beautiful blocks I've ever seen; but you were supposed to carry the ball on that play.'

"Okay, he looks pretty stable – switch the middle screen back to the Superbowl."

The locker room door suddenly swings open, and Randy is busted by a steroid-sniffing dog.

The Thurston State Hornets make their entry onto the field.

'Quit whining, Sid, and walk it off! I'm not falling for that pulled muscle thing again!'

"Upon further review, the receiver did not establish a meaningful and personal relationship with the football, therefore it is ruled an incomplete pass."

'We've got a personal hygiene foul! Number 70!... Fifteen yards!!'

"Well, dad. . . when I was a kid I got in trouble for trampling on the lawn or for beating up others. . . today, I get a lot of money for it!"

'Get out there, Holmes, and pile on!'

'He intentionally entangles his face mask in my hand!'