Grace-sayer Supreme Pillows

"You heard your mother. There's no need to bless the superfoods."

'I used to spring forward. Now all I can do is fall back.'

Have you got your make up on yet?

The older I get, the more introspective I get, or is that retrospective?'

"Stop billing your daughter for reading her bedtime stories!!"

'Man, I've bought heaps on my credit card this month...It always amazes me...How many things I'd rather have than money.'

'Lord, we thank thee for the bounty we're about to receive.'

"Time heals all wounds. It also kills every living thing."

'They say ninety is the new eighty.'

Barrister uses legal speak to ask for two sugars in his tea.

"Can't you just look at the pictures,daddy? Some of us have to get up for school in the morning!"

'These people have terrible attention spans - I'll just bring them ten commandments at a time.'

'All that we learn from history is that we don't learn from history...'

"Wake me when the tourists get here."

Anyway I thought I'd have a go at this writing lark on the first publisher I showed my scribbles gave me a five book deal.

'Folks, we're just not doing this right.'

'I see they're having editorial differences upstairs again.'

'You honor, I'd like to tell my client's life story with the accompaniment of a string quartet.'

Having a senior moment

UFO Club aren't aware of an alien member.

"Enough about your Xbox already!"

Distilleries Association

'How many potatoes to make a bottle of vodka?.'

Matador face to face with a Toro lawnmower.

"I kind of miss that morning newspaper you used to hold in front of your face."

"Good memoir, but we're looking for something more candid. Like not-being-invited-home-ever-again-for-Thanksgiving candid."

"Guilty on all counts, Your Honor. However, with more attention to character development, pacing and tone, we're confident the defense will find a much wider audience and a winning verdict in the appeal phase!"

Have you said grace? No, we said grace yesterday, this is leftovers!

'And...?'

Juno

"Remember anything recently?"

'Sorry about the economy, but I never was very good at story problems.'

Took a tiny nothing molehill and created this huge, amazing mountain

'My Life, The Sequel.'

Family saying grace