Godless Guru Pillows

"What do you mean, 'There can be no ethics without fear of God'?! Look at me - all ethical and shit!"

'He was just saying that all things come to him who waits and, sure enough, along came a lightning bolt.'

'I'm just not sure how much more I can teach you.'

At the 2021 Religious Games

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

'The secret to life, my friend, is hoppiness!'

"He's my smart-aleck twin."

You gotta hand it to the old man, he still knows how to motivate!

'It's not surprising. The production department is in Spain, the warehouse is in Korea, the accounting division is in Bolivia, the board of directors is in Canada.'

'The secret to great wealth and spiritual contentment? Ok, hold on...I think I've got an app for that..'

Guru.

'Since we all have to believe in something, I thought, 'Why not money?''

How's my enlightenment? Call 1-800-Nirvana.

'Wish you wouldn't cut your nails at bedtime!'

"I seek enlightenment - and a way to outsource our company's tech support."

"Lighten up! Your charts aren't that bad."

Happy hour.

'I was trying to extinguish my ego, and I got an Out of Memory Error.'

'I warned him about thinking the unthinkable!'

'The trouble is, once you've attained enlightenment, it's all downhill.'

A not-so-happy God, with the Humans, sticking an Eviction Notice to the Earth

OM, SWEET OM

Sculptor's chippings

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

"I'll match donations when you match my tax payments."

"You've traveled all this way just to score some pot? Okay—How much do you want?"

'And so thanks to my dad's waistline I now understand the theory of our constantly expanding universe!'

'This exotic dessert I make is guilt-free. I already burned all the calories running around finding the ingredients!'

Mood swings: Swing 1 - 'Looks like it's going to be another wonderful day!' Swing 2 - 'Who CARES link brain! I hope it rains acid!!' Swing 3 - 'I think i'm going to CRRRY!'

Bearded old man atop mountain.

'Of course we're a global corporation. We have mail drops throughout the world.'

"I make money, therefore I am."

Dad Planet: 'Hey you KIDS! I thought i said no ORBITING in the house!'

"As for the meaning of life, it doesn't have to suck."

Just think of meditation as "mental floss." (Published previously on 3/17/2006.)