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"I mean, I can throw it a third time."

'It appears he hit an iceberg.' (A LETTUCE)

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Shampoo.

Football Chameleon

I'm prepared to admit that you may have startled me a bit, sure!

Owing to a clerical error, Luciano Pavarotti receives kudus instead of kudos for his performance as the Duke of Mantua.

"Baldo, you're a very good artist! You should put your talent to use."

"Honey, where did you put my Green Lantern cufflinks?!"

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

Jokes machine.

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

Magic Act

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

Pi fight!

"You sure you don't want any Pi?"

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

'Don't throw the little silicon chips away -- we may find a use for them someday.'

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"You guys need to #@%!% fight harder. You're all #@%!% wimps! You call yourselves a #@%!% army? Bull%#!*!"

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.