Gardening Gifts

"When it comes to blowing leaves around uselessly and creating an insane amount of noise, this model can't be beat."

Death on the Weekend

Lawrence of Suburbia

"It's Eden. You don't have to keep checking for ticks."

'Smile - it's Van Gogh.'

"Aphids on the heliotrope!"

"It dries the washing using the very latest technology - a combination of solar and wind power."

Corn and Bunion plants.

"I'm doing some reorganizing - are there any of your possessions that you want to keep?"

'I'm saving up for a hedge.'

A man imagines he looks like a farmer on a tractor on a ride-on mower and

"Well, I was hoping this might scare the other squirrels away from the bird feeders...but they seem to have made me their king!"

People of the Fall

Urban therapy.

'She loves me, she loves me not...' 'Good grief, why is he dragging ME into this?'

Sundials showing different timnezones.

"The weeds - I want 'em whacked."

The Phantom Of The Garden

"Legally, we're a farm."

Autumn Leaves

Who said romance is dead?

"Can't we go five minutes without you checking your flower?"

"Can you keep a secret?"

The Perfect Garden.

"I can't believe I went so long without A.C."

"Could I get a single perfect olive branch?"

"No! I want to live! I want to live!"

"Perhaps He Was Too Close To The Situation, But Aesop Failed To See Any Goddamned Moral To The Story Of The Goddamned Birds Eating His Goddamned Tomatoes Again . . ."

"You have such beautiful eyes."

"You may approach the bench."

"How were the first few sips?"

Rain, Sunshine and the Tree

"Would you still love me if I was a human?"

Tree collapse...

'I drove to the garden centre for a tree to offset my carbon footprint... so now I've got to go back for another one...'