Gardening Gifts

"When it comes to blowing leaves around uselessly and creating an insane amount of noise, this model can't be beat."

Death on the Weekend

Lawrence of Suburbia

"It's Eden. You don't have to keep checking for ticks."

'Smile - it's Van Gogh.'

"Aphids on the heliotrope!"

"It dries the washing using the very latest technology - a combination of solar and wind power."

"I'm doing some reorganizing - are there any of your possessions that you want to keep?"

'I'm saving up for a hedge.'

A man imagines he looks like a farmer on a tractor on a ride-on mower and

"Well, I was hoping this might scare the other squirrels away from the bird feeders...but they seem to have made me their king!"

People of the Fall

The Phantom Of The Garden

Urban therapy.

"The weeds - I want 'em whacked."

Sundials showing different timnezones.

'She loves me, she loves me not...' 'Good grief, why is he dragging ME into this?'

Autumn Leaves

"Legally, we're a farm."

"Can't we go five minutes without you checking your flower?"

Who said romance is dead?

"Can you keep a secret?"

The Perfect Garden.

"No! I want to live! I want to live!"

"How were the first few sips?"

"Perhaps He Was Too Close To The Situation, But Aesop Failed To See Any Goddamned Moral To The Story Of The Goddamned Birds Eating His Goddamned Tomatoes Again . . ."

"I can't believe I went so long without A.C."

"Could I get a single perfect olive branch?"

Rain, Sunshine and the Tree

"You may approach the bench."

"You have such beautiful eyes."

"Would you still love me if I was a human?"

Tree collapse...

'I drove to the garden centre for a tree to offset my carbon footprint... so now I've got to go back for another one...'

'Something that says I'm sorry without admitting liability.'