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'No presents, children, because know it all Santa lost all the money on 'Christmas Cracker' in the 2.30 at Haydock.'

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

Man see a sign on door of Clayton's Jokes & Gags Shopee - 'Please Use Second Door To The Right'

Little girl hoses down walkway as Santa slips and falls

'I'm sorry Timmy, but if I keep going for help, you'll never learn to take care of yourself,'

Darwin first tested his theory in a letter to a magazine ('Lookalike' letter points to similarity between man and ape.)

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

Doctor about spinning plates on patient: 'I'm concerned about his platelets.'

Up your end.

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas."

'Still no Christmas card from the Pope? - We did send HIM once, didn't we?'

'I think cowboys are just plain lazy: Why else would you have to carry them all the time?'

'The hair plugs are that noticeable, huh?'

Frozen Food - Pick Your Own

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

"My dad didn't get what he wanted for Christmas, so he went into his usual rage-display! So embarrassing..."

'The doctors said you were so nervous about the operation they had to give you a tranquiliser.'

Cyber Cafe - "I hear you've got a mouse."

'Mrs Fenton, next time we have a neurotic snowman booked, get the payment up-front!'

"Bobby, you may have worked for a circus but that's not an excuse for playing with your food!"

'Okay, cough.'

'You know you haven't been good, and I know you haven't been good, but good, nevertheless, is your public stance.'

'Get with it, buddy -- that mile of highway you adopted has snow all over it!'

"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"

'Yeah... and I'm the tooth-fairy!'

"Gesundheit!"

"Pandemic! That's a pretty name."

'Let me remind you that in our legal system we're nice until proven naughty.'

Santa delivering newspapers

'This is the part of the job I hate.'

'Bless you!'

'...that isn't clever and it isn't funny!'

"I'm installing a backup camera. I'm tired of you sending me out to repair all the chimneys you back into."

"It's Albert's revamped version of the old 'arrow through the head' gag, but it still needs a bit of work."