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Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Horsekeeping - No. IX

"Judgement Day: Division Four"

Clown God

That's all very well sir, but is it full strength, low fat, high calcium or soy?

STRIP Hambone: Computer company job interview

'Dad, do you you think there's s**t on other planets?'

'He's not called the 'Hanging About Judge' for nothing.'

'It was this big. I swear'

The spirit in the wall would go on and ond, but Alvin never let it bother him.

'I'll come in as soon as I've seen the orbits of Venus.'

Smokers smoking on the moon, Astronauts smoking on the moon

William, have I ever told you you're the wings beneath my wind?

Solar Gain: "Be honest: does the new planet make me look fat?"

"Are you trying to show contempt for this court."

"She got a brand new whip for her birthday."

'You said I should check back with you if I didn't get any better. . .'

'U. . .S. .U. .C. .K. . . . L. . O. . L.'

"Can you write 'To Mandy - you're the best'?"

'I'm sorry for laughing Emperor Dorkbutt, it's just that in our language, well...'

"I'm the black sheep of the family because I'm afraid of the dark."

'Millions of billions of trillions of light years away? I could visualise it if you said it in MILES!'

"Two things are infinite: The universe and human stupididy' and I'm not sure about the universe." Albert Einstein. Our colleague and I were going to debate, with me arguing the universe is finite and he's arguing that it's infinite. But he pulled out saying the debate organizers are biased against his position. He didn't believe they were simply advising folks to arrive early when they said "space is limited."

'Why are ghosts bad at telling lies?'

Aliens would have destroyed us years ago if it weren't for our entertainment value.

Black Hole Corks

We interrupt today's "The Price is Right" episode to bring you breaking news … Weeks ago, the Hubble telescope spotted a rogue planet the size of Venus plummeting through the solar system on a collision course with earth. It turns out it was actually just a prank involving two very bored ISS astronauts and a grapefruit. Breaking News!!!!! Maybe we should send them to Mars after all. One of them seems to have scrawled "Around and around and around and around" all over his space suit, in crayon.

'Whoops!'

'That was so funny. I haven't booed that loudly in years.'

"Oh, oh - looks like a blue shift."

Ghosts save on electrical & plumbing maintenance costs because they don't need easy access to the inside of walls.

"After analyzing the energy waves emitted by this pulsar near Andromeda, I believe we have an answer to the age old question: 'Where do jokes come from?'"

'They're evolving like mad -- You put in way too many cosmic rays!'

'Say, how can I convert this FAT file into a nice and small JPG?'

'You must be the new guy! welcome to riding club buddy!'

The Big A** Theory