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Bitchbark Canoe

'My bark may be worse than my bite, but I've got a whine that will drive you up a wall!'

Things to do: 1. Sit 2. Stay 3. Sit 4. Stay

'Cat or dog?' - 'A little of both.'

"Well, here's the problem. You been takin' the hair ball pills and givin' the Viagra to the cats."

"Parts of a dog" "Hears food drop" "Smells food" "Chews food" "Swallows food" "Digests food" "Moves toward food" "Signals for food" "Makes room for more food"

Rusty starts to have very violent thoughts toward his tail.

'Don't be embarrassed by your anti-barking collar, implanted tracking chip, and GPS device. Just think of them as fashion accessories.'

"I'm beginning to think that buy one, get one free is not always a good thing."

"You can stop pulling, you knucklehead—I took your leash off ten minutes ago."

"Never mind how I got up here....just call the fire department."

"Don't even think about it."

Dog with saucepan stuck on its head

PET THEORIES

''I couldn't wait any longer.''

"We're slapping you with a stress suit, pal!"

"Big n' tall" "Small n' long"

"Lori, I can’t talk right now — I’m right in the middle of updating my dog’s Facebook page."

Pet Entertainers

'I suppose an explanation is in order?'

'Technically, he's on a leash, so I say we let this one go.'

"And for dessert, I'd like the mice pudding."

"What's all this?"

'No, first start the engine, then bark!'

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The David Letterman Show Goes to the Dogs, Cats, Birds, Guinea Pigs...

Cat king.

"I'm no expert but I think global worming would be a good thing."

"Sorry - my dog is at the vet. This one is a loaner."

'He's never going to graduate. How about giving him an honorary degree instead?'

"I yip, therefore I am."

"He wants a second opinion."

"And your baskets include dead crickets, old socks, mice guts and toilet water."

"If you could live your life all over again, what dead animals would you roll in?"