Friend Anxious About Job Interviews Prints

"You understand that we screen applicants pretty thoroughly."

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

"I believe you'll like our company. We pay our employees time and a fifth."

"It raises trust issues, Mr. Kranse, when your very first question is 'what's the catch?'."

'Don't be nervous, relax...he puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like you do. Of course, his pants are tailor made and cost $600 a pair...'

"It's safe to close your eyes and relax...these meetings are safety equipped with front and side airbags."

"I'm looking for an assistant who knows my job, will do my job, and has no interest in having my job."

"According to your resume, you've done nothing of any real significance since inventing the wheel."

"How long have you been working from home, Mr. Farley?"

'Being taller than me will get you nowhere.'

"You may have heard some very slanderous rumours about this company."

'I should have told you, every Friday senior partners get to do the Prosecco Polonaise.'

"Dammit, Hopkins... It's the fiscal new year!"

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

'Yes,I do have a question.. What kind of dental plan do you have?'

"Haaaaah. . . . Back to the office. Better put on my happy face. . ."

Virtual interview.

'Besides a great smile, do you have any other qualifications we could consider?'

"I love your enthusiasm but we were actually looking for someone who could do the job."

Yes-dog.

"Try hitting CapsLock."

Tunnel of Anxiety

'It has been brought to my attention that some of us are not working at maximum efficiency.'

"Where do you see yourself in 5 to 10 years?"

Number two pencil, pretending to be a number one, fears that his deception has been uncovered.

'Your position has been outsources...if you wish to continue to work for us...I suggest relocating to Mumbai and taking a 60% pay cut.'

"I suppose my one weakness is I'm far too forthright, Tubby."

"We want someone who can lead in a crisis, but doesn't."

"Where do you see yourself, say, five recessions from now?"

'Why did you leave your last job?' 'The parole board finally came through.'

Barry Grolnick: a Good Man in a Bad Cubicle.

'I'm not a hard worker but I'm willing to take the blame for whatever you want.'

Interviewing for a new Servant

'We're looking for a candidate who is good at handling unexpected situations!'