Freshman Fumbler Pillows

'It says I missed freshmen Orientation and I have to take it in summer school in order to graduate.'

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

Math 101, for those who can only count to 100.

Tell me again how aloof and independent cats are.

"How was work?"

'So what are you studying, young man?'

The Final Chapter.

Medical Supplies

'Here goes the second bottle of champagne... I think it would be fair of You to tell me what are my chances so I know whether to order another bottle or not...'

'Serves you right, just tearing open the charge card bill and reading it like that!!'

'I can dish it out, but I can't take it.'

"It would appear that our 'rainy day investment fund' hasn't even yielded enough to buy us an umbrella each."

'Have you been eating right?'

"First me stock split, then my wife ran away with my broker, then my driverless car drove off without me..."

History 101: 'This class should be easy! I've heard that history continuously repeats itself!'

"I'm glad this is the last of it. Mom and Dad kept smiling, but I know it's breaking their hearts that I'm going to be living at college!"

Just in: Condolence cards for the small investor.

Athlete nearly reaches finish line after his trousers fall down.

'Our mortgage is now owned by a guy named Lenny the Squid in bayonne, N.J.'

"Bro, no!"

'How come the History Channel is so interesting and my history class is so boring?'

'Early Signs of Spring #4: Your dog...'

Novice gardener - not recognising daffodil

'He must be so excited - Today is his very first day at school!'

"I'll say it was good. There were times I even stopped looking at my phone."

"Can you believe it? I'm just 4 credits short of a 'Useless Major While Accruing Massive Student Loan Debt' degree."

'No, but my friends hate me intensely.'

"I accidentally logged into Turtle Tax instead of Turbo Tax a month ago and I'm still trying to get our W-2 information entered."

"Relax! It's NOT a heart attack! The owner's manual says to expect intense panic during the unpacking stage, as you wonder how in the world you're going to pay for yet another totally impulsive purchase. It should pass in a day or so!"

"You ordered a tanker load, remember?" "I meant one of these!" (pointing to tiny oil tank).

'When it comes to texting, I'm all thumbs.'

"Your broker called. You're broke."

'He's all thumbs!'

'Any chance I can charge this to my student loan?'

Golfer has a heart attack on the golf course.