Frequent Flyer Pillows

"Don't worry—he surrounds himself with good people."

'Yikes! I wonder how long his flight has been delayed.'

"OK, head on down then take the second lane on the right, hang a left then first right, up ahead is the runway. You can't miss it."

"Right, the next couple through we'll strip search!"

Airport - You are here ... Your luggage is here.

"At this time I'd like to ask you to remain calm, fasten your seat belt and flap your arms just as fast as you can."

'I thought we'd never break through those clouds!'

"At this time I'd like to welcome our gold-medallion passengers on board."

Einstein discovers that time can stop completely.

"In case of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down in front of you for two dollars."

'Relax, folks, he just did that for me. When I get the hiccups, a little scare never fails to cure them.'

On the plus side, folks, we should have you on the ground way, way ahead of schedule...

'On behalf of Charter airlines may I apologise again for the delay while the plane is being built.'

On second thought, let's de-ice the wings.

'My insurance won't pay for an MRI!'

The flight is only 99p but it will cost another ?120 if you want to do it inside the plane.

"You have to walk around on these long hall flights to avoid thrombosis.. "

"I have this nagging feeling we've forgotten something..."

'What do you mean you left the keys on your dresser?!'

Caribbean Airport Security

'The charges are correct, sir. The airline now charges for emotional baggage as well.'

'You didn't read the small print, sir - Your ticket restricts you to a seat kicked continuously by a small child.'

"I can get you to San Francisco through Dallas via Atlanta, but we'd have to take a kidney right here and now."

"I got my ticket for three dollars over the Internet. Are you going to eat that salmon?"

'You know, you remind me of me when I first started here.'

"Did you have that flying dream again last night?"

BA apologise for abnormal delays - normal delays will be resumed as soon as possible.

'I'm sorry, we don't have chicken or fish. However, we do have a choice of surcharges. Would you prefer fuel, technology upgrade or new labor deal?'

'More DVT vicar?'

'Next time the captain says to turn off your cell phone, just do it!'

"It's a boy!"

'Your Ebola test came back negative, but your stress ulcer needs treatment.'

'You're off the plane, Hal. Put the laptop on your desk.'

'At this time, we would like to call those passengers who feel compelled to board before their row numbers are announced.'

Airline Mergers.