Fortunes Fan Prints

'First, we'll do a job performance preview.'

"You must be cheating - no one's that lucky!"

'The bad news is you're going to marry a geek, and not a pro athlete. The good news is the geek owns the team.'

A cow goes to the Fortune Teller - 'I can see two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun...!'

'This New Year you will be bathed in a sea of cash!...Hand on...Sorry. This New Year you will need a flea bath for some sort of rash.'

'Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.'

'Can you see the future of my 401(k)?'

"Even if I did believe that he was communicating through you. I'm afraid it's too late to change the will now."

"Your moon is in the House of Pancakes."

'My crystal ball is in the shop. Pick a fortune cookie.'

We only have two things to fear - fear itself and someone getting a look at our books.

"Humpty Dumpty had a great fall? Was he invested in emerging markets?"

'Congratulations! You've just won ten million dollars!'

"I've made contact with your mother. She says she hates what you're wearing."

'Your life will being when all of your kids are married and the dog dies.'

'I see you meeting a man who can borrow at well below prime.'

Your Palm

A psychic predicts the discovery of gluten.

"Forget about tall and handsome. What about portfolio 10 year highs and lows?"

"I see you on a beach..."

'No, I don't want to change my long distance phone company, and,,, Yes, I should have known it was you calling'

"He's a widowed eighty-year-old billionaire with a 'Do Not Resuscitate' tattoo...what's not to like?"

'This fortune cookie says, 'You will have good luck investing in emerging markets, fortune cookie & Chopstick Trading Company of Singapore.''

'Hey, Ruby, want to give this guy an estimate?'

The day the dinosaurs died...'There's no fortunes in any of these!'

'This time last year you told me that I would meet a tall handsome stranger. Now I need his name and address.'

Because I don't need my crystal ball to know what will happen if you don't clean your room.

'...and I see dozens, no, hundreds of dirty socks lying on the floor! And I see windowless cars filled with injured squirrels and blind cats, who take you to an oasis of bacon bits...'

'I can see... two all beef paddies, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun...!'

'Good news! The stock market is about to explode upwards on . . .'

"The wealth inequality is a good lesson, since a bullish portfolio will make you rich, not happy."

See, what did I tell you? Next year, bring me your office pool bracket earlier.

'Yahoo! It says 'Your wife is going to collect a large sum of insurance money!''

Chinese Cuisine. I think that hedge fund manager misplaced his after-meal cookie. That would be the second fortune he lost.

"I see fireworks, I see people celebrating..."