Food Extraordinaire Pillows

Sewage Treatment Plant/Treated Sewage.

Domestic Goddess.

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

'So it's the Mumm's Cordon Rouge, '98 Pouilly-Fuisse, '86 Chateau Margaux, and the '92 Barsac - would you like any food?'

"Chair looks couch potato friendly!"

Whatís that, boy? Youíre too tired for a walk and you just want to watch TV?

'Waiter, there's a hairball in my soup, too.'

Man sitting and reading 'Joy of Take Out' book surrounded by take out boxes.

How the goat got square eyes.

"...And would sir care to kill the rabbit himself?"

"Celebrating Labor Day assumes you've labored at least one day during the previous year."

Pizza with Extra Extra Cheese.

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

'I prefer to work vicariously as opposed to remotely.'

"I brought a pound cake in case they don't like the chum." Shark Hunting With Mom

"We use the proceeds to help offset the cost of your eternal salvation."

"Ed's not really into binge watching...he just can't find the remote."

I'm so hungry I could eat a horse! You've come to the right place.

"This is our high-traffic, reinforced, heavy-duty model."

'Have you noticed how portions are getting bigger?'

"If I'd wanted a Picasso I'd have gone to an art gallery, wouldn't I?"

Lemon beelzebub for table 666

"Yes, you could have cooked it, but you didn't."

'Bill remembers where he was everybody died.'

The doctor told my husband to be active, but the only exercise he gets is running around looking for the TV remote.

“Here’s to the 240 bucks we’re paying the sitter.”

'I'm worried about Junior. He's so lazy he won't even take his own selfie.'

"This is a self-service diner. I cook the meals and I eat them myself."

I'm so busy at home I need three hands. One for the chips, one for the beer, and one for the remote!

'I decided it was time to be more active when my wife started dusting me twice a week.'

Master Chef

Chicken A La King

'This mindless blather is edited for TV.'