Food Critic's Delight Gifts

"Hey Maurice! Take the menu, replace 'dish of the day' with 'local free range speciality' and double the price!"

Try our nosh - you'll never get better!!

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

Cow's Last Will and Testament.

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

6 Brothers Falafel

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

'Oh, and I suppose I'm the only one who's ever heard it's a 'dog eat dog world'?'

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'

Newton discovers gravity and apple sauce in the same day.

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

View to the Future

"Maybe if we added some pumpkin spice?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

"Rump roast?"

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

'Needs salt!'

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

"When portions are this huge, I eat half now and the rest in a few minutes."