First Investment Pillows

...Shares can go up as well as down.

Small boy on 'Investment street' corner with a piggy bank, while removal trucks operate in the background.

'Pep's finance' man confused and scared of 'Real estate', 'Gold' etc

Phrenology bust with sections for different currencies.

'Now that I have your attention...'

The day the stock market went UP.

"Stock options for your thoughts."

Golly, �1m a year isn't too much. I don't know why your shareholders don't understand you.

"These projections don't make sparkles shoot out my ass."

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

"I’ve combined all your outstanding debt into what we here in the banking business like to call a honkin’ big loan."

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

"This is not permanent...we'll be back as soon as things start to look up."

In the Guru District

'This time we're going to do things right. And if that doesn't work, we'll just go back to stealing.'

Profit

"If a stock falls in the market, and it had no investors, does it really lose its value?"

Large Dollar Sign Office Block

'Whoever said 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself' never had a room full of angry shareholders.'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

Businessmen trying to prop up a line-chart with sticks

The president's men

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'Quick! We need a bigger chart in here!'

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

"It creates the illusion of risk but you know you're perfectly safe."

'Can't they just switch to smaller barrels?'

Mario Draghi

'There's good news and bad news, J. B. - we now control 51% of this corporation's stock!'

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"So, we look to the fourth quarter as a time of healing."

'The prevailing wisdom is that markets are always right. I think that luck is always right.'

"This is the most important election of our lifetime."

Or as I prefer to call it, the 'feel-good' factor.

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'