Financial Relief Seeker Pillows

"I had a dream that a rich guy came to campus and paid off our student loans."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

Squirrel Chasing a Dog

Society for the preservation of dragons - "You don't want them to become extinct do you."

'Every night it's the same - always my turn to put the Bally Cat out!'

"The bottle says that 'Extreme Hair Growth' is a rare side effect of this medication."

'Pssst! Straighten up, here come the bigwigs.'

Will work for ETFs

"If I made as much as him, I could retire in a couple of days"

"Based on the feedback from advisers whom I haven't beheaded, all of my ideas are great."

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

The Alpha Seltzer

'You're not supposed to catch them!'

Super Heroes.

'It's good to be here. We're having economic problems where we come from.'

'I knew things were getting out of hand when I went from snips, to snails, to puppy dogs tails....'

"Did you check the SPF, dear?"

"Eat me"

"Wait—what did I come into this room to do?"

"Any of you guys feel like hot dogs?"

'Ugh Look The whole garden is just one giant cat toilet'

No littering...

My God, I need to fart.

"I have to refill it everyday. He has a tendency to retain water."

"Oops! I just deleted all your files. Can you repeat everything you've ever told me?"

When Dinosaurs ruled the Earth.

'I say we invade and secure all those renewable resources.'

"Take two pies to the face and call me in the morning."

"What part of 'giddyup' don't you understand?"

'I hate Mondays.'

Obama Healthcare.

"Our new automated workers need a little fine tuning, but they're coming along..."

“Hey Everyone! It’s the first day of Fall! Okay, you go first!”

'I asked if you were affiliated with an HMO not a UFO.'