Financial Relief Seeker Pillows

"I had a dream that a rich guy came to campus and paid off our student loans."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Squirrel Chasing a Dog

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

Society for the preservation of dragons - "You don't want them to become extinct do you."

"The bottle says that 'Extreme Hair Growth' is a rare side effect of this medication."

'Every night it's the same - always my turn to put the Bally Cat out!'

Will work for ETFs

"If I made as much as him, I could retire in a couple of days"

'Pssst! Straighten up, here come the bigwigs.'

"Based on the feedback from advisers whom I haven't beheaded, all of my ideas are great."

My God, I need to fart.

'It's good to be here. We're having economic problems where we come from.'

'You're not supposed to catch them!'

'Ugh Look The whole garden is just one giant cat toilet'

"I have to refill it everyday. He has a tendency to retain water."

Super Heroes.

"Eat me"

No littering...

"Wait—what did I come into this room to do?"

The Alpha Seltzer

"Any of you guys feel like hot dogs?"

"Did you check the SPF, dear?"

"Oops! I just deleted all your files. Can you repeat everything you've ever told me?"

When Dinosaurs ruled the Earth.

'I say we invade and secure all those renewable resources.'

'Sorry, everyone. That last chart kind of startled me.'

"What part of 'giddyup' don't you understand?"

'I asked if you were affiliated with an HMO not a UFO.'

“Hey Everyone! It’s the first day of Fall! Okay, you go first!”

'Who wants to be examined first?'

What do you suggest we do about this?

"Our new automated workers need a little fine tuning, but they're coming along..."

Obama Healthcare.