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'You're not losing a daughter, Dad, you're gaining a son.' 'You're still moving out, right?!'

Cry babies.

'He's bound to wake up sometime!'

'If you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don't need advice.'

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

Dad's home

'It's best not to talk behind other people's back's, son. But if you must, the place to do it is in the media.'

"DOES YOUR DAD ALWAYS GO ON ABOUT SOME STUFF THAT DOESN'T GROW ON TREES."

"Well ok....but in your case I'll need DNA proof!"

A man outside of gents toilet sees sign: New Men - With Baby changing facilities.

"Do not bury yourself alive if allergic to burying yourself alive."

'I'm begging you, please don't let me go!'

Nope, not how you change her diaper.

Fathers Saluting Each Other.

'My astrologer says one thing, my guru says another, my psychiatrist says something else - I don't know who to turn to anymore.'

'A rocking horse? Boy! What will they think of next?!'

"The news lady says this bad guy was charged with assault...but he didn't have rifle. How's that possible?!"

'I asked you for one good reason why I should follow your advice, not six.'

'Oh yeah! My self help group knows a lot more than your psychiatrist. First of all, there's a lot more of them.'

"You know, after all these years of giving you advice on all. Things personal and professional, it occurred to me that you've never actually asked for my opinion."

'I fired my motivational trainer and started listening to my mother.'

"It's the Ask Sadie advice hour. 'Shmernie' in Vermont, you're on. What's your problem?" "How do I know when it's time to give up? I've tried so hard to warn people about how they're getting screwed over, but they keep vot-- I mean, hanging out with the screwer-overers." "Give it up, 'Shmernie!' It's over!" "This reminds me of the time great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother Cohen's advice show answered a parchment from 'S

Dad Socks / Dad Sex

'I'm afraid the legislation only covers one partner.'

'With a boss, a wife and three teenaged kids, I haven't had much time to worry about international affairs.'

"Unbuckle your belt, Bob."

'Said once, and never again!'

'Have ideals, fine - bit never let them cloud your business judgement.'

'Can you fix it, Daddy?'

"Oi you two! What going on in here?"

‘Sat too close to the TV;’ ‘Stared at the Sun For an Hour,’ ‘Put Out My Eye With a BB Gun.’

"If you have a boyfriend, I have some advice, young lady! Wisdom that's been handed down from generation to generation!"

"Boss... I need to take a few months off for paternity leave."

"I told you, always support the baby's head!"

'You should have read the cookery book for teenagers. It's pretty short: 'Take the food off the package before you microwave it'.'