Fathering T-Shirts

'I'll say this for your father, he's a great provider.'

"Behold the secret to happiness."

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

'Hurry, wipe it off before Dad comes home!'

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

Prize vegetables.

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

Killer Executive Suits.

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

'Let the creepy crawly hunt begin!'

The Busy Gardener

"I built this tree house for my kids. But it's so private, I've decided to use it as my home office."

James Bond in a Snow Globe

"These aren’t the droids you’re looking for."

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

Scottish Football Fan - "...and please Lord, let the result be against the run of play."

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

I like the Jets...I guess

A Good Batch.

"A wet winter, but we're making the best of it."

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

'Please tell me you're baby sitting?'

"I spilled a red dot of paint, so I painted the whole room so you wouldn't notice it."

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

"His first out-of-body experience."

King Arthur on the lake trying to open letters when the lady of the lake offers a letter opener.

"What's a patent?"

Frank moonlights as a Grill Sergeant.