Fast-paced Finance Prints

"Computer trading happens so fast, I hardly have time to hit my panic button."

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

British savings accounts

"The new revenue stream is finally kicking in."

What happens when the bears are running the market.

"Apparently over 50% of people never look at their pension plans!"

"Basically it makes the same mistakes we've always made - but it makes tham so much faster!"

'In order to fund your deferred compensation, we won't be paying you any salary.'

"Okay, like, the good news is we can pay Paul. The bad news is we gotta rob Peter."

Cafe investors: I'd like your support in acquiring the lemonade stand down the street. By cutting redundant labor, marketing and technology. I place our annual savings at $17 billion. The phone company investors bought it. Can monkey lick your head?

'Don't worry about a few pounds up or down. Our main concern is always your bottom line.'

'Due to recent staff cut-backs and consolidations, I'll be handling your death AND your taxes this year!'

'And finally, a steady decline in earnings has forced us to trim the presentations budget.'

'It takes great courage of conviction to know you're wrong, yet still proceed forward.'

'Oh, wait. There's a note. It says; Fill her up with euros.'

'Well, Eddy may look a bit rough, but he's good at heart - last week, he bought stocks from a company which produces cuddly puppy toys in pink ballet dresses!'

"That was a rumor day."

"Dad, the dean has gone over your financial statement, and he doesn't think you're working up to your full potential."

'Looks like your recovery has been slowed by a diet rich in Greece, followed by a bout of gas problems. Continue to take your QE and call me next quarter.'

'Stocks fell on the news that whatever can go wrong, usually does go wrong.'

Uncle Sam is Big Brother.

Bookkeeping Club

Guess your net worth, only 25 cents.

'He, also, rebounded our stocks with our endorsement deal.'

"Sorry, the only way we can afford a 3D printer, is if it can print some bearer bonds."

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

'The Nobel prize for medicine was awarded to Dr. Quentin R. Owlsey, who developed an anesthetic that leaves patients capable of writing checks.'

"According to the most recent report, we have no recourse but to abandon ship."

"Today, the yen shot up on news it is spelled differently from the 'Yuan'."

'As you can see, we've been recapitalized.'

Masochism for stockholders.

"Forget consumer confidence, what we need is consumer gullibility."

'I'm sure it's some sort of publicity stunt to get the economy moving again.'

'I love Brahms' 2nd Symphony in A minor, especially the part where it pauses and the voice says, 'Please hold for the next available broker'.'

At The Clown Bank.