Family Tension Navigator Pillows

"I'm sorry, Tom... but you don't Chronic Fatigue Syndrome if it only when you're going to see your inlaws."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

A kangeroo and it's baby read books about understanding each other.

"Dear? The toothpaste is on the top shelf. Don't touch the tube on the bottom shelf, that's Grandma's triple strength epoxy denture adhesive."

'I demand a DNA test.'

"Papa Bear was too much, Mama Bear wasn't enough, and I always had to be just right."

He wanted a different one.

"Having nannies really changes you."

'Dad, when do I stop being a wholly owned subsidy of you and Mom?'

'How do you know I won't shrink if I didn't come with a washing instructions tag?'

'She knew we'd try to talk her-out of it.'

"But I brought you here so I wouldn't have to play with you."

'sugar and spice my eye.'

'It may not be your feng shui, but it's my feng shui.'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

"She may be awhile. Her mother's helping her park."

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

"If you see this as motherly advice, we have a whole new subject to explore."

'None of the other things had instructions.'

"'Parent' should always be an action verb."

'We're playing I'm a mummy with lots of different daddies.'

"Me? I thought you were raising them."

"Ask Mom for Sweet Chunk Cookies. If she says no, ask Grandma."

"Listen, I'm still your mother."

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

You can't focus on the cost of raising a child. True. They do have benefits. Mom! The glue spilled into your underwear drawer! Dad! Where's the toilet plunger? Though nothing specific leaps to mind.

"Sergio, I think you've done a great job raising the children."

"Miss Rogers, Sally Green. Is it true my son's research project is 'the effect of too much television on a typical ten-year-old?'"

"But in the dream, ha ha, your family was normal, even that sociopath little brother of yours."

"Mom, Suzy keeps coming closer than 6 feet to me."

'I sent my mother to jail. I work for the IRS.'

"Everything started when I became a stay-at-home-mom of three little monsters."

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

'Today is my day to baby sit.'

'My dad is pushing me to become an alpha male, but frankly, I'd rather be a poet...'