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"Philip has questioned my stewardship."

"Now there's a relationship that's working!"

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

Stone Age women were less happy than men at the arrival of the iron age: Look what I've invented just for you darling.

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

A boy and his spin patrol.

'Okay, okay - is there anyone OTHER that the bride's mother who objects to this marriage?'

"You work for the family business, and I am your father, not the patriarchal oppressor..."

"Will the role of wife call for any nudity?"

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

'It's time you learned, son - in-laws and outlaws aren't necessarily opposites.'

'Someday, son, 50 of this will belong to your ex-wife,'

'I blame my parents, they never set me any standards worth rebelling against.'

'Yes, I wanted a knight in shining armour, but I didn't know it'd be me doing all the shining!'

'I'm not so sure I'm a problem child. Maybe you're a problem parent.'

"He's feeling neglected. Should we text him?"

"I'll have a Maker's Mark, and she'll have a shot at being the mother she never was."

'They sort of grow on you.'

"Someday this will all be yours, or so you think until you find out at my last will and testament that I left everything to my hot, young trophy wife and you curse my soul to eternal damnation."

"Let's talk about your overprotective mother."

"Don't fight us, Timmy. We have numerical superiority."

"Typical, you knew my mother was coming today, so you had to have a big meal to be torpid for a few days!"

'Eat up son, or you won't grow to be big and fat, like your father.'

"Has it ever occurred to you that you might be my trophy husband?"

"Meet your new baby brother! We decided to upgrade."

"She's one of those bad mothers who say they're bad mothers but think they're good mothers."

"Oh no, not dinner again!"

Underwear Man and his disgruntled sidekick Laundry Woman

"Our little girl is growing up - this very morning she told me she hates me."

"I'm getting to know the staff better. You're my son, aren't you?"

'Your wife gets custody of the children, and you get custody of the babysitter.'

'It would have been easier to prove your father was of sound mind when he wrote this will if he hadn't written it on the headed notepaper of the psychiatric hospital in which he'd been sectioned.'