Family Jokester Gifts

"Thanks for almost everything, Dad."

"Mr. Wickers called me 'gifted' in front of the whole class. I'm ruined."

'Don't worry if you can't remember your age grandad, we'll get you carbon dated!'

'These marks measure how tall the children are growing, the others measure how wide Jeff is getting.'

'No,if you'll read the eyes-in-the-back-off-your-head chart, I check your mom vision,'

"Ask your father, I've suddenly got a headache"

'Be careful how you talk to my father - It's best if you just use grunts and gestures.'

'Rising damp? Nah! That's our Nan with her pot of tea. Terrible hiccups always. . .'

Family Dentistry: 'Floss properly, or we tell your kid who the tooth fairy really is.'

"And try not to spill Daddy's Martini, Caleb."

'If we're seedless watermelons, where did I come from?'

'Of course you were 'better at history when you were my age'. There wasn't so much of it to remember back then!'

'Roy! For the last time, don't wave that red one in front of your Dad.'

"Don't think for a minute that I've mellowed!"

"The teacher says I'm a poor listener, Dad. Will you raise my allowance?"

'I'm glad Mom married you, Dad, you're a stepfather in the right direction.'

"Quite frankly I can't wait to see how your generation messes up everything."

"My dad works in surveillance."

'Say hello to your mother...'

Rusty, not believing in God, seized his chance...

'Uh oh, did we get anything for the snail this year?'

David Cameron's daughter left in pub: '. . .She was carrying fake I.D.!'

"He followed me home, Mommy. Can I keep him?"

'We're not shouting, children, we just want to know where you buried Granddad.'

'I'd like you to meet my children, Occupant and Resident.'

"Dad want's to talk about the birds and the bees/ I guess I'll have to tell him about girls."

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

Turn off your car stereo before trying to start your kid's car.

'God bless daddy, mommy, sis and that golf course I bought with dad's credit card.'

'No. This isn't my new sparring partner - this is my mother!'

It's 10 pm Do you know where your parents are?

"Mom said I can't watch TV until you finish my homework."

'Here's your choice. Grounded for a week or a walk around the Mall with me while I wear this.'

'If she can't speak yet, how do you know her name is Jennifer?'

"Help! I've fallen and my son is a disappointment!"