Family Jokester Gifts

"Thanks for almost everything, Dad."

"Mr. Wickers called me 'gifted' in front of the whole class. I'm ruined."

'Don't worry if you can't remember your age grandad, we'll get you carbon dated!'

'These marks measure how tall the children are growing, the others measure how wide Jeff is getting.'

'Be careful how you talk to my father - It's best if you just use grunts and gestures.'

Family Dentistry: 'Floss properly, or we tell your kid who the tooth fairy really is.'

'Rising damp? Nah! That's our Nan with her pot of tea. Terrible hiccups always. . .'

"Ask your father, I've suddenly got a headache"

"And try not to spill Daddy's Martini, Caleb."

'If we're seedless watermelons, where did I come from?'

"Don't think for a minute that I've mellowed!"

'Roy! For the last time, don't wave that red one in front of your Dad.'

"The teacher says I'm a poor listener, Dad. Will you raise my allowance?"

'I'm glad Mom married you, Dad, you're a stepfather in the right direction.'

"Quite frankly I can't wait to see how your generation messes up everything."

'Of course you were 'better at history when you were my age'. There wasn't so much of it to remember back then!'

"Help! I've fallen and my son is a disappointment!"

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

'Uh oh, did we get anything for the snail this year?'

"He followed me home, Mommy. Can I keep him?"

Rusty, not believing in God, seized his chance...

David Cameron's daughter left in pub: '. . .She was carrying fake I.D.!'

'God bless daddy, mommy, sis and that golf course I bought with dad's credit card.'

'No. This isn't my new sparring partner - this is my mother!'

It's 10 pm Do you know where your parents are?

"Dad want's to talk about the birds and the bees/ I guess I'll have to tell him about girls."

"Mom said I can't watch TV until you finish my homework."

Turn off your car stereo before trying to start your kid's car.

'We're not shouting, children, we just want to know where you buried Granddad.'

'I'd like you to meet my children, Occupant and Resident.'

'Here's your choice. Grounded for a week or a walk around the Mall with me while I wear this.'

'Say hello to your mother...'

'If she can't speak yet, how do you know her name is Jennifer?'

"My dad works in surveillance."

'I'll even throw in a brand new 3-year battery for your mother-in-law's peace of mind.'