Family Dynamics Jester T-Shirts

"Why couldn't someone else give your mother a ride home?"

"My granddaughter's first words to me were 'OK, Boomer.' I have no idea what that even means."

I like the Jets...I guess

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"I know what this is, it's what mum and dad call 'working from home'...

'Honey, I wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you!'

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

Relationship Warning Lights

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

"My mom says I can start a rock band if I call it 'I Love My Mommy'. You in?"

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

A kangeroo and it's baby read books about understanding each other.

'Everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other.'

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"Were we expecting a baby?"

"Adopted? It's cute how you think we would've picked you."

"Dear? The toothpaste is on the top shelf. Don't touch the tube on the bottom shelf, that's Grandma's triple strength epoxy denture adhesive."

"Because he's illiterate. That's why I have to read to him all the time."

Children's Party

'I demand a DNA test.'

"Yeah, you could say I've got mother issues....she told me I have to move out!"

"You never told me your dad was so delightfully old-fashioned."

'It's time to move out when Mom says...'

"I'll go to my room and do my homework, but I want time and a half."

"Papa Bear was too much, Mama Bear wasn't enough, and I always had to be just right."

'What did I learn in school today? You'd better sit down.'

"Raymond's prospects look good, Daddy. . . He's pretty sure he's picked all six lotto numbers!"

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"Good work Tim, you snatch it all: none of this sharing with your brother nonsense..."

Ask Sadie Advice Hour. What's your problem?! I don't want to vaccinate my kids. But my husband does. What do I do? Excellent question. It reminds me of the time Mother Cohen and Father Cohen were arguing about vaccinating us kids. Father Cohen accused her of being a pawn of the Illuminati's attempt to use diphtheria to mutate us into ape-people. Mother Cohen accused him of being anti-Darwinian. That's when Father Cohen brought up her illicit fling with Chuck Darwin, and all heck broke loose. Um

"This is not what I meant when I said you needed to practice your play fighting..."

"Get up at 7; leave for school by 8; no video games until after homework is done -- how about some regulatory relief?"

'Dad, when do I stop being a wholly owned subsidy of you and Mom?'

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

He wanted a different one.