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"I ate something that strongly disagreed with me!"

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

"Truth is relative at these reunions. It depends on which relative you talk to."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"After I fix your laptop, can I have a bedtime story?"

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

"Mum, Dad, I think I might be bipedal."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

'I'm very confused. I never had a father. I was raised by two mummies.'

'It's funny really - when your father's home he hardly ever says a word!'

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk - it's hard to believe we're related.'

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

"We tried to play nicely, but frankly it's not as much fun as tormenting each other."

"Do let me know if I'm getting in the way, won't you?"

"I'm afraid these grades aren't giving me a very satisfying vicarious life."

'Who says women don't like chase scenes?'

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

Brilliance runs in my family, but in a zig-zag pattern.

"We're looking forward to this little bundle of joy bringing out the worst in each of us."

"Okay, just one story. Once upon a time, there was a naughty little boy who wouldn't go to sleep."

"Oh, you silly girl, you! Don't tell me you brought home another husband."

"It's easy to understand the theory of evolution when you have a brother!"

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

"Act your birth order!"

'Life if so much simpler since we called Family Ref.'

'I try to run my family like a democracy, but what I really need is a line-item veto.'

'I used to think it was her red dress, but I've discovered I find your mother irritating in any color.'

"Mom, when do I get my own room?"

"Oh, come on! I've told you, I'm not your 'imaginary friend.' I'm your father."

Is your homework finished? It's almost a snow day. No way

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

Mom's Diner - Thanks for not talking about your father.