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"I ate something that strongly disagreed with me!"

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

"Truth is relative at these reunions. It depends on which relative you talk to."

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"After I fix your laptop, can I have a bedtime story?"

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

'It's funny really - when your father's home he hardly ever says a word!'

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk - it's hard to believe we're related.'

"We tried to play nicely, but frankly it's not as much fun as tormenting each other."

"I'm afraid these grades aren't giving me a very satisfying vicarious life."

"It's easy to understand the theory of evolution when you have a brother!"

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

"Okay, just one story. Once upon a time, there was a naughty little boy who wouldn't go to sleep."

"We're looking forward to this little bundle of joy bringing out the worst in each of us."

"Oh, you silly girl, you! Don't tell me you brought home another husband."

'Who says women don't like chase scenes?'

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

"Act your birth order!"

'Life if so much simpler since we called Family Ref.'

'I try to run my family like a democracy, but what I really need is a line-item veto.'

'I used to think it was her red dress, but I've discovered I find your mother irritating in any color.'

'Grandparents! This time last year I wasn't good enough to marry your daughter, but now I've fathered the brightest child in the universe!'

Mom's Diner - Thanks for not talking about your father.

"Oh, come on! I've told you, I'm not your 'imaginary friend.' I'm your father."

'How long did you try before calling?'

"Mom, when do I get my own room?"

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."