Executive Jesters Pillows

"Okay, we've donated to the Food Bank, Feed the Hungry, Food for Life, Hunger Helpers, Starving World, Second Helpings. . . is anyone else getting hungry?"

'Don't hesitate to critize me, Herb, whenever I think I am wrong.'

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

Employee won't think about work outside of box

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"I hate performance review season."

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

"We need to change, but WHEN?"

"You work too hard. You have stress balls!"

"It's confusing when everybody has a pointer."

"They want to put up a new cell tower in our neighbourhood?! We don't need more of those radio emission eyesores here! I'm gonna complain... ...as soon as I have better signal strength."

"Before I read the financial report I have to ask... do any of you have a weapon?"

Team Experiences Cabinet: Productivity, Fun, Goal Setting!

"And finally, I’d like to thank all those people I stepped on and used to get here. I couldn’t have done it without your submissive insecurity and relentless resignation."

'Why don't you try seeing it from your point of view?'

'Stay with me now, people, because in Step C, things get a bit delicate.'

"Now this chart should clear up any confusion you have with the report."

'I bet you think I'm drinking tea...'

"Well, if you hadn't misfiled it in the first place it wouldn't have been lost."

"Let me now direct your attention to the pepperoni."

'Our Board of Directors are really very fickle!'

Who should I call first? 911 or Technical Support?

Paper Profits Break Glass In Case of Emergency.

"I was just finishing up some spring cleaning."

"It's not bulls**t if we call it strategy."

'You've become like a son to me, Alvin. But the company has strict rules against nepotism, so I have to let you go.'

"You're quitting? You're walking out?? Couldn't you have at least waited until I finished outsourcing the company??!"

'Brains...brains...brains...'

'What we need is a decision, not more foot-dragging.'

'We're a democracy here, as long as everyone votes in favour of what I want!'

"I'm glad you felt able to get that off your chest...now could we discuss next year's targets?"

'This is a job for a consultant.'

'Kudos to Bill for the cotton candy machine idea!'