Etiquette Aficionados Mugs

'Randy needs help! ... But let's putt out first. I don't want to hold up the foursome waiting behind us.'

'Did someone forget to circle before dinner.'

"This is a little awkward, but you've been our guest for a while now, and we all have work in the morning..."

A Grievance.

Waiting for the executioner: good manners.

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Sir, your ducks, they are not in a row."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

Only One Item or Fewer.

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

"A gentleman would offer his seat."

'Don't get up!'

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'

'So are you the wise guy that thinks my food is not good enough to regurgitate and maul between your hands?'

"All rise."

". . . and wipe your feet before you go inside."

"I know it's our first date and we're at this fancy restaurant and all, but would it be a red flag if I ordered the chicken fingers?"

"I hit reply all too many times."

"I taught him to eat with a fork."

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'