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"How come we never collide with the burning heat of a thousand fires?"

Use your imagination.

"Say hello to my little friend."

Three little pigs-mortgage.

'It doesn't say what she had for dessert on Thanksgiving. It just says she made a coach out of her pumpkin.'

Sumo Love.

"The Ruin is under new management. Specters will manage wraiths, shades and spirits. All others report to be spook resources. Bonuses will be based on team work and synergy."

I'm ridiculously small. My nose is huge. I have ears like a jackass... Manic depressive with low elf esteem.

'Be gentle with me, it's my first novel.'

First Transsylvanian Blood Bank

Vampire shaving cut dilemma.

'I hear he's quite a recluse - doesn't even have a blog.'

"There's no need to howl at every moon we pass by."

'The owner would have shown you around himself, but he doesn't rise untill after sunset.'

'Who's that painted lady?'

'Of course I like to base all my characters on real life. For instance the fat useless guy in my last novel was you!'

'I like to spend my train journeys reading fiction.' (He looks at Rail Timetable. Sign says 'Delays expected'.)

'I've never met such a heartless, gutless and brainless board of directors!'

"What the hell was in that?!"

John le Carre

Hook couldn't believe he hadn't thought of inviting his brother, Captain Flyswat, before.

"I thought this would be easier than a drawn-out political campaign."

Area 51 Shaed of Gray - No Trespassing

Sexhibition of Old masters of Erotic Art.

"I'm going to give Dostoyevsky another chance."

A caveman looks at erotic paintings

"Not tonight. I've been exhausted since chapter three."

'And that's the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, according to the Brothers Grimm.'

Apparently she's building a 'red room of pain'....

"I'm thinking about getting my teeth capped."

'Santa is real, but I can't decide if he is the New Black or 50 Shades of Grey!'