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"You can't do infomercials until you've paid your dues by being a has-been first."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

'Hey, Charlie, have we got good news for you!'

Enterpe, Terpsichore, Calliope, and Bernie, their agent.

"I love being your agent, Nick, but the guys making the really big bucks now are the managers. Let me be your manager."

'And the Award goes to...Ewww...him?'

An acceptable level of TV violence.

'What I call a miracle drug is one that doesn't start a government investigation.'

'We had to donwsize.'

"Once again, the epicenter seems to be Christian Slater."

Don't touch that dial! — We're experts, and we know what you should be watching!

"You played yourself in your last picture. Everyone found it unconvincing."

Death Styles of the Rich and Famous

"It's been done, but I don't think it's been redone."

"Son, you're old enough now to learn about something we call 'compliance'...."

'Our ratings are down. Let's blame it on the media.'

"There's no business deductions like show business deductions."

"I feel that what would really give your next album a major boost would be some kind of well-publicized personal problem."

"I got another callback. My agent says it's between me and the guy who's going to get it."

Gossip columns: 'And rumour has it that singer, Kelli B is said to be in shock after finding out longtime boyfriend, actor Todd Korfull, has been having an affair with, now get this, KELLI'S agent!! YEEOUCH!...' A column talking

This next number is when we smash our guitars...

The Incredible Telly Presenter's Journey.

'I'm with the band.'

"You know that kid that submitted a screenplay to us on the back of a restaurant menu? I'm passing on it. I like the screenplay, but I hate that restaurant."

'The Parkinson would be good PR, but should I wear the hair shirt or the sackcloth and ashes?'

'The global economy supplies basic tools. A lot of us get the axe.'

"My lawyer doesn't trust my agent who doesn't trust the director who doesn't trust the screenwriter who doesn't trust me. All perfectly normal."

'And who are you wearing?'

'See, I told you - nobody's job is safe!'

When stars marry: 'Why did you ask him first? Does he have top billing?'

'The music business.'

"I'm not sure if the audience is ready to embrace you in a romantic comedy."

Trustworthy Authority.

'I stopped paying attention to polls since a poll showed voters prefer someone who ignores the polls.'