Employee Development Coach Pillows

'I believe in a 'carrot and stick' approach to motivation. The carrot is not to use the stick.'

"Looks like we found the issue."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

Others will fight for you

Business books - Who's Who & Who's Downsized sections.

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

Work/Life Balance

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

'I clawed my way to the top and then I clawed my way back to the middle.'

"I hate performance review season."

"I'm not sure about this new trainee - he asked me when does he get to see the actual ropes."

"I'm sorry, but we're looking for someone who's more likely to be followed than following."

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

'When I was young, I said I'd make it big or know the reason why - Well, I sure know the reason why!'

"Actually, it's more like a mouse race."

"So what makes you think you're qualified for this job?"

"My preferred pronoun is they."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"Sir, your ducks, they are not in a row."

'Perkins, we're getting rid of some of the dead wood around here.'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'Inevitably, I come to work early, leave late and alienate everyone.'

"I have a Bachelor's degree from Columbia, an MBA from Stanford, six years experience, and I'm a hell of a mouser."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

Between Offices

Chicken Little Inc. Pecking Order.

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"How can you have a meteoric rise to the top in a one-story building?"

"Back when I was your age the only way to get a promotion was kissing butt."