Empathic Entertainer Mugs

You've reached Randy, the Dating Doctor. What ails you? I'm friends with this girl … She's all I can think about. I treat her way better than the guys she dates, but she doesn't even know I'm alive. Of course she knows you're alive. You're the potted houseplant in the corner of her life. Do you understand what I'm telling you? That it's only a matter of time til it's my turn? You're more like a Venus Flytrap.

Dinner at the Trapdoors

A rabbit giving another rabbit, 'rabbit ears'.

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

Inflation Is Up, Interest Rates Are Going Up. . . I'm Asking You To UP Your Donation.

“What if I tell you the card you are thinking of is … the Jack of Hearts ?”

'Don't you ever knock?'

"In closing, I'd just like to say you've been a great crowd, folks. Don't forget to tip your waitress, and I hope this final number breaks your heart the way show business broke mine."

Siegfried and Roy - grand re-opening.

"I'm going to run away and join the circus. Not one of those big, tacky ones—something more European and intimate."

"Let there be light hors d'oeuvres."

"If he doesn't like the hand puppet routine, I'll try running the burning bush idea by him."

'Yes, yes, Rupert, you are still a mighty hunter. Now, please bring the turkey back to Luisa in the kitchen.'

'As I feared, the X-ray shows that you are crying inside.'

Adult Magician

Tom Waits.

Ed's super-romantic but he's always a police detective. He calls our love 'consensual identity theft.'

"O.K., so no animals were harmed, but were they adequately compensated?"

"I don't think air guitar counts."

Warning Wisecracks or good-natured barbs alcohol maybe hazardous to your health,

"Give it up for Stevie and his musical underarms! Next up, in the house...Crazy Katrina and her jump rope of death! It's something you'll see only on...the Security Camera Network!"

"Are you ready to rock within your means so as not to lose sight of what’s really important?"

"I have half an hour if you want someone to get sucked into your drama."

'Was it an Indian elephant or an African elephant?'

"I DO like you. YOU don't like you."

Mime artist - "Ok! I'll talk!"

"I'm detecting no heart at all...which explains your dislike of cute puppy videos."

"I'll draw them out with the cheese platter, but it's up to you to entertain them."

"Unless you can prove their training was cruelty-free, you don't have a chance in this business."

'I had a wonderful evening and I'm really sorry Ed's still looking for a parking spot.'

"I've donated blood fourteen times. . .!"

"Your former boss says you lack empathy - I'm putting you in HR."

Robert Mitchum

"Pick any number between one and sixty seconds."

'Pepper, anyone?'