Easy Listening Critic T-Shirts

'Why is so much easy listening so difficult to listen to?'

'Not even close man - easy listening's around the corner.'

Anderson Cooper as a Kid. Today, an expose that asks the question: Who IS Simon, and why must we do what he says?

WELCOME TO KINDERGARTEN! "It was mostly okay, but there's way too much micromanagement!"

Final words on gravestones.

Author Reading Today: 'Typos I missed when correcting proofs.'

"You play that song once more and I'll break both your hands!"

'He's busy right now. I have to put you on hold. Would you like to hear show tunes, classical or easy listening?'

"Doctor, I find you very easy to talk to."

"I just love your use of lying"

"I'm composing a song for the new administration. It's entitled, 'Hell to the chief'."

If students are more than a test score why aren't teachers?

"You forgot his tail."

"Excuse me...is there a dressing room with a slimming mirror and soft light..."

"A book is kind of like a paper Kindle."

Mary McCarthy.

Simon Owl - That hoot was ghastly!

"Does this say 'Our Saviour', to you?"

"Our house wine is abominable."

He's listened to 'Mull of Kintyre' eleven times and he's still holding.

Two kids caught playing dots & boxes on a Damien Hirst painting, spelling the word 'so-so'.

'I found it difficult to put down, but I will. It's trite rubbish.'

'African Idol': A bushman is receiving the judge's opinion which is:' Dat was bad . . . it sound nutting like watta buffeelow!'

'So you say, 'Tom, how do I become filthy rich?' Well, that's easy. By scamming others the way I'm about to scam you.'

'If you believe Christmas is over-commercialised, press the Sponsored by Cola red button.'

"Hey, amigo... Been there, done that, bought the tattoo!"

Cyber Mansplaining

"Now, now - If you can't say something nice about a parson, don't say anything at all."

"Now, this model not only plays fifty records but it changes them, turns them over, and gives you a brief comment on each by Deems Taylor."

'How much to just stop?!'

'I've learned how to wink! Watch-.'

Bank Has Two Tellers and One Listener

"What a Luddite! I bought him a Kindle, but he'll only read hard copy."

'I think you'll find that I'm a very good listener.'

"This could be a match. There's a lady here, who's looking for a man who knows how to listen."