Doctor’s Orders Pillows

'Don't worry. That questionnaire is a lot more intrusive than your surgery will be.'

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

'How is the water prepared?'

"Would you like me to give it to you straight or sugar-coated?"

'Well I haven't had a chance to review all your readings in depth, but if I were to be forced to make an educated guess I'd say that your were knackered!'

'So you're off to see the chiropodist... the only time in your life you shouldn't put your best foot forward!'

'Its your archeries'

"You've got bunions, hammertoes and plantar fasciitis. Bad feet must run in your family." "Nobody runs in my family."

Patient to Doctor: 'This may hurt a little.'

"Actually, I didn't become dizzy and nauseous until I started inhaling the scent strips in the waiting room magazines."

'Tell you what; I'll give you the lollipop and I'll give you the shot.'

"You may believe you've been overcharged, but, remember, you're overmedicated."

'I can only describe it as one of those symptoms that goes away whenever I see a doctor.'

"I like the elephant in the room. With his memory he never screws up our lunch order!"

"By the time we go in, I'll be too old for a pediatrician."

'The good news is that you'll be able to continue working and pay my bill.'

Taking blood pressure

Medical Exam

"Now where was I?"

'Sorry I'm late. I had you booked as the gastroenteritis, on Mont Blanc.'

"I've been waiting here so long I think I'm cured."

"You need to see a specialer. They're like specialists, but less so."

"The doctor will be right with me. . ."

"You've omitted your previous patient experience and recommendations from two other doctors."

'Now this quack wants me to see a specialist- what the hell is a PATHOLOGIST'

"They're considering order-fulfillment as a new Olympic sport."

'This guy just ordered pizza with everything -- now's our chance to get rid of those pig snouts!'

"Where does it hurt?"

"Your bloodwork just came back. . . the GOOD news is that you've definitely got some!"

"When I ask 'What is the nature of your complaint?' I am referring to your health, rather than the selection of magazines in the waiting room."