Doctor’s Orders Pillows

'Don't worry. That questionnaire is a lot more intrusive than your surgery will be.'

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

Drink for me and my hot mamma. Now! We don't serve beer. Latte. Two, punk! Decaf. You don't want to see him angry. Also, low-foam and soy milk would be great. You don't want to see him gassy. Can I get one of those little Twizzler sticks to stir it with? Cube of brown sugar, please. And one nonfat blueberry scone! Two! I'd like to see how John Wayne would've ordered a fancy coffee drink.

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

'How is the water prepared?'

"Would you like me to give it to you straight or sugar-coated?"

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

'So you're off to see the chiropodist... the only time in your life you shouldn't put your best foot forward!'

'Well I haven't had a chance to review all your readings in depth, but if I were to be forced to make an educated guess I'd say that your were knackered!'

'Its your archeries'

"You've got bunions, hammertoes and plantar fasciitis. Bad feet must run in your family." "Nobody runs in my family."

Patient to Doctor: 'This may hurt a little.'

'Tell you what; I'll give you the lollipop and I'll give you the shot.'

"Relax. You might feel a little pinch."

"Actually, I didn't become dizzy and nauseous until I started inhaling the scent strips in the waiting room magazines."

"You may believe you've been overcharged, but, remember, you're overmedicated."

'I can only describe it as one of those symptoms that goes away whenever I see a doctor.'

"I like the elephant in the room. With his memory he never screws up our lunch order!"

'The good news is that you'll be able to continue working and pay my bill.'

"Now where was I?"

Taking blood pressure

'Sorry I'm late. I had you booked as the gastroenteritis, on Mont Blanc.'

Medical Exam

"By the time we go in, I'll be too old for a pediatrician."

"I've been waiting here so long I think I'm cured."

"You need to see a specialer. They're like specialists, but less so."

"The doctor will be right with me. . ."

'Now this quack wants me to see a specialist- what the hell is a PATHOLOGIST'

"You've omitted your previous patient experience and recommendations from two other doctors."

"They're considering order-fulfillment as a new Olympic sport."

"Your bloodwork just came back. . . the GOOD news is that you've definitely got some!"

"Well, I have some good news and some lab results."

M.D. Of course I keep myself all wound up … Everyone else is busy running me down.

"Where does it hurt?"