Doctor Jokes Fan Gifts

Ear, Nose and Throat doctor baffled by knife wound.

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

Dog forced to return bone

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

'You've got the worst case of whatever this is, I've ever seen.'

'Dr. Federson has performed this procedure so many times, he could do it blindfolded with one hand tied behind his back. Show him, doctor.'

"'CPD'...stuff and nonsense, the old ways are fine for me, now pass me a hammer. I need to put this patient out!"

'Where does it hurt?'

"You have a heart murmur and I'm starting to hear your liver and kidneys complain."

'Like I said - It's non invasive surgery.'

'No, you don't have hemorrhoids. You have a case of himorrhoids, has your husband been a pain in the butt, lately?'

'These young doctors know nothing, I used to see 500 patients every day...'

"Yes, I have seen people in worse health than you. But, they were all dead."

'I had this two years ago.'

"Do you want to speak to the man in charge or the nurse who knows what's going on?"

Obstetrics.

'It's me, Jack Gurkenman! I'm your ophthalmologist with the broken left ankle, doctor!'

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

"I'd say it's a fungal infection."

'The good news is that you look good. The bad news is that you're not as good as you look.'

'Will the results of this probe be sent to my gastroenterologist?'

"Your sodium level is high...probably from taking everything you hear with a grain of salt!"

'Hey, what do you want from me? As a primary care physician, ALL I DO is prescribe drugs and refer you to specialists.'

GP say 10 minute surgery is not long enough

"Good news. You're not ready for a kick-the-bucket list."

'Nurse, has the staff been eating in pre-op again? There's mayonnaise on the scalpel.'

Feed a clod, starve a feeble...

"He's losing his will to pay!"

"Sorry, I had the hiccups."

GALLSTONE SPECIALIST: This too shall pass

"Undress down to your underwear and have a seat. The optometrist will be in shortly."

"A specialist is a doctor with a smaller practice and a bigger home."

"Well it's not so much an ITCH, more a slight irritation, what could it be?"

Osteoporosis Clinic

'You've got termites.'