Discharge From Hospital Pillows

Community Hospital: Got Well

'Goodbye, missing you already!'

"You're very interesting, for a civilian."

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

The cell phone soother for life.

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

"Actually, I'm still on life support. I just came by to do a feasibility study."

"Chaplain, the lord should put warning labels on some of his creations."

"Surgery up here is free!"

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

"Remember, if I'm ever on life support unplug me... then plug me back in. See if that works."

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

'Will I live Doctor?' 'Yes, but I don't advise it!'

Woman in hospital has i.v. attached to plant.

'Don't be alarmed if you hear the toilet flush a lot. Since you don't feel well, I thought I'd wash the dishes for you.'

'This is a fine time to leave! What if the doctor delivers the baby while you're out!'

Clown Cheering Up Patient.

'Don't worry about your job at the office, Sweetie. They declared bankrupty today.'

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

'Your master isn't due for release until the first of the month.'

If these are your medications, what happened to the beads I bought?

Balloon drip.

"The good news is that your cardiac surgery was a complete success. The bad news is that we had to remove the song from your heart."

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'It's nothing that a few stem cells and 75 years of research can't fix.'

Kid with plaster cast being sawn off.

'Not feeling well? Don't be silly - your EKG has outperformed the Dow.'

As a rule, all surprise parties start out with good intentions.

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

'Very funny!'