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"Patti, come here! Amazon doesn't have 'drunk shopping' as an option for return reasons!!"

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

'Dammit - how do we get in on that gross national product?'

Weird things I do because of the internet

With the aid of a tactical dictionary, and was finally able to make sense of what the salesman was saying.

"What are you going to do to make sure you reach this year's financial goals?"

"This translation app isn't working."

"Some fine day, my son, all this will be yours."

"All this time I've been trying to get her to walk, and all it took was a phone."

Made in China.

"Phew! I'm glad this part of the ride is over..."

'With the economy the way it is, there's no silver lining. In fact we sold that last week!'

The guy who took a wrong turn off the electronic superhighway and wound up in a microwave oven in Davenport, Iowa.

Mouse at a computer within a maze searching for the cheese.

"I was pretty highly respected until email came along."

"Is there someone have called Frobisher?"

Maps to all the corporate trap doors for sale here!

"You kids are losing your ability to communicate person-to-person...so we're having a good old-fashioned family talk!"

How to apply for a job, then vs. now

"I was just ringing to see if you got the e-mail about the letter I sent you?"

'Data, data everywhere!'

Man about to enter a maze with a arrow saying 'Internet' with the world at its center

'I've survived here by always maintaining my honesty, integrity, and plausible deniability.'

"Recalculating... Recalculating... Recalculating... Recalculating..."

"No, no, no. Double-click to open. I'll walk you through it one more time. Go get your leash."

Ben Bernanke says no recession yet.

"These days, I don't eat homework. I just install ransomware."

"Unless you have a 13 year-old running around, I strongly recommend you buy the 1 year technical support."

"Yes, Megan, it's book. Think of each page as a screen."

"I'd say my greatest personal achievement would be 93 Likes."

Close all your windows please.

'Maybe next year Santa will bring you the software.'

Navigation App Activated: Start: Bedroom, Destination: Bathroom, Option: Shortest Way.