Cynic With A Sense Of Humor T-Shirts

'Looks like they're going for the apathetic vote again.'

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

'I'm still employed, but to save on utility costs, they offshored me.'

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

Plight of Decent-White-Male-Middle Class Scapgoats.

"I've founded my own religion." "Of course you have, Rudy." "It's off to a good start. Already, it's being mocked by people of other faiths." "If history's any guide, within a couple hundred years, it'll be widely accepted and people who don't believe in it will be persecuted." "What are the central tenets of your religion?" "A true Rudian knows that life is suffering, and winning arguments online is salvation."

"With great power comes great reward."

Famous Oxymorons...

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

The finer points of marriage.

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

'The cow jumped over the moon? The mouse ran up the clock? Steroids, right?'

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

Hare tells tortoise: 'Remembe the plan: on the final stretch, you go down.'

'The good news is consumer confidence is up. And the REALLY good news is consumer gullibility is Way up.'

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

'You've got bad news? Hey, that's good news!'

Suggestions Get Shredded.

"I'm not getting out of bed. What's the point? Things keep getting worse every day. Even my toothbrush depresses me... I'll just continue sleeping until the world comes to its senses." "Amen."

I don't need to know any math --- I'm going to be a politician.

You're a man of the world, Mort. You've seen things in your time, haven't you? I've seen things that would curl your toes. I've seen dust as tall as mountains sweep across the plains. I've seen a swami mystic turn a dying beggar into a soaring dove on the banks of the Ganges. I've seen Republicans and Democrats work together to pass legislation that moved America forward. You had me until you got to that fairy tale. I've seen a time when houses cost just twice your annual income.

"But is it art ?"

A Diverse Cabinet That Looks Like America

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

The Ultimate Reality TV Show: Apathy Island

"Today the House Intelligence committee began its investigation of the FBI's investigation of the House Intelligence Committees investigation of the FBI..."

Federal Bureau of Do As We Say, NOT As We Do!

Obama builds own gallows.

"Listen, pal! I didn't spend seven million bucks to get here so I could yield the floor to you."

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'