Culinary Wordsmith Pillows

"The takeaway tonight is 'Thanks.' "

"The pompano poached in parchment is very alliterative tonight."

"‘Extra vile old ox’? No, sir – it stands for ‘extra virgin olive oil.’"

Culinary Exams

'. . . the Winter of Discontent Soup, Arab Spring Roll, Summer Madness Salad and The Season of Mellow Mists Fruit Medley.'

"'My beef is our opponent is too chicken to cut the fat from this pork-filled budget'...were you hungry when you wrote this speech?"

"Crab Apple"

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

To no ones surprise, they ran head-on into one another. (All couples are wearing teachers reading 'I'm with Stupid'.)

Rejected Titles For The Canadian National Anthem.

Cat Towels

Deep in the heart of the RAND think tank, the world's greatest scientists would gather to brainstorm Batman's fight sounds.

"Oh, sorry - Open Sesame, PLEASE."

I think you're ace

"If x is the set of all men that love you, then I am a member of x."

Spiritualism: Meet the Authors.

Shakespeare loved a grammar joke

"Let's see. Seuss... Seuss... Here we go. That's a medium box of bagels and lox and a pop on the rocks by seven o' clock."

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

"Right now, grandmom's bark is definitely worse than her bite!"

I said, your bones ache because you’re old. I’m referring you to an archaeologist.

Best Seller

'Did you really mean both me and a hippopotamus evolved from a tiny blob in the ocean?'

'To err is human... but to forgive is against company policy!'

I don't want a story that helps kids make sense of the world – I want a world that lets kids just enjoy a nonsense story.

"He belongs to a lawyer."

"Remorse sits in my stomach like a piece of stale bread. How does that sound?"

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

Mother Goose's Haiku

Intellectual Foreplay...

'He never listened to his mother!'

'You use the former when wooing your beloved and the latter during negotiations with your divorce lawyers.'

Novelist, writing her own vows... runs into writer's block.