Crime And Mystery Gifts

"What we're going to say to the jury is 'Love the embezzler. Hate the embezzlement."

"Well, I thought of it as an innovative economic stimulus package, but the jury insisted on calling it securities fraud!"

'Big Mikey will now add a few bullet points.'

Security Breach

Man reads a newspaper article about a murder which he is walking past.

"How come, whenever there's a murder around 'ere, my name gets pulled out of the hat first?"

"No one is looking. I'll just add a little mercury nitrate."

Snowmen Crime Scene

Round up all the king's horses and all the king's men for questioning.

"It's not the first time he'd been warned about wearing a long tie when leaning over the shredder."

'This is the worst film noir I've ever seen.'

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

He's making a list --- Holmes solves cases quicker when he itemizes deductions.

'Then my brother said he'd like to bury the hatchet...'

Violent Crime Statistics

Mobsters at the Beach

"The DNA sample from the mink fibres found in the suspect's car matched the DNA sample from the mink coat found at the scene of the crime, so I'm thinking, maybe these minks were twins?"

Bribery and Corruption.

"Undiagnosed serial killer"

"They've solved the cause of death of Richard III."

Newton's Law and Order.

"I'm sorry- when you said 'bad' cop, I assumed you meant incompetent."

"According to stomach content analysis he'll be dead in half an hour."

"He did it!"

Police man stands guard at a murder scene in Egyptology department of a museum.

CSI Wonderland. (Photographer takes a picture of a cracked Humpty Dumpty. Investigators collect evidence from the scene.)

Well, you're busted! Forensics just came back: the bite-marks match your dental records!

"Let me through... I’m an armchair detective!"

'Sure we've got a lot of anger. We also got a lot cement.'

'The close Ops surveillance people have just sent these photo's over and we now strongly suspect that Jimmy the Greek is onto us...'

"Yes, I'm a superhero. I'm not attractive, muscular or charming because I work in the 'cyber crimes' division."

Bureau of Missing Persons

'...and as a consequence, you lot all redundant. I'm not making it up.'

CSI Fridays