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'Your Honor, members of the jury and Neilsen viewers...'

"Our new associate asks how much of a fee is too much. Do you want to handle this or shall I laugh in his face?"

My Brother Al once went through a period of depression, your honor. He would just sit around in his robe all day. Then his psychiatrist got him out of his funk. Would you like to have his doctor's phone number? ? ?

'Your Honor, my client would like to wave his right to a speedy trial.'

"The prosecution shall stop referring to the defendant as 'the alleged, totally guilty as sin guy'."

"Why won't you cuddle?"

"Before the defense rests, my client would like to read you a little sonnet he composed about his love for the jury."

"I'll tell you, mock jury duty beats cancer testing."

Lawyer's secretary has in boxes labeled: Before the Fact and After the Fact.

"Dave here, is a lawyer. But don't be too impressed, he only specialises in petty crime."

"I'm not leading the witness; I'm winding up my segment on heinous crimes!"

"Am I going to get my just desserts?"

"Recess is over, Your Honor."

'But your honor, imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.'

'The highest court in the land.'

"The witness will confine his 'Knock knock' answers to 'Who's there?'"

The hour of justice

So you'd like to be a lawyer...we require honest, genuine people, who are prepared to...learn how to fake sincerity.

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."

'Hmmm...It is: innocent until proven guilty? Or is it: guilty until proven innocent?'

''Not guilty'? -- oh, in denial, are we?'

"And here's good news for the defense. I am disqualifying myself on the grounds of blatant prejudice."

Counsel examining witness

A Court Reporter's Pocket Knife

"...and we hope that, for a cyber-crime, you will consider a cyber-penalty."

'Tell the truth: does this affidavit make me look fat?'

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

''The buck stops here'? What a coincidence, your honor. My nickname is 'the Buck'.'

'Oh great, a machine with an attitude.'

"My client will not answer that question as it presupposes his sanity."

'Are you sure you saw my client do it? Let me remind you, it takes one to know one.'

'and for pushing your umbrella button in a VERY crowded elevator.'

"I sentence you 500 hours of community service - You can start by mopping this floor."

"Guilty of a sense of humor in a tight-ass world."

"I thought I'd try a Marie Antoinette for a change."