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'Since you can't afford an attorney, one will be inflated for you.'

My Brother Al once went through a period of depression, your honor. He would just sit around in his robe all day. Then his psychiatrist got him out of his funk. Would you like to have his doctor's phone number? ? ?

"Since you have already been convicted by the media, I imagine we can wrap this up pretty quickly."

'Your Honor, my client would like to wave his right to a speedy trial.'

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

"Not guilty?"

"The prosecution shall stop referring to the defendant as 'the alleged, totally guilty as sin guy'."

"Why won't you cuddle?"

"Dave here, is a lawyer. But don't be too impressed, he only specialises in petty crime."

"Am I going to get my just desserts?"

Lawyer's secretary has in boxes labeled: Before the Fact and After the Fact.

'Your honor, if I may digress for a moment, who does your hair?'

'But your honor, imitation is the sincerest form of copyright infringement.'

'You're the watchdog. Do you honestly expect us to believe you didn't see anything?'

'The highest court in the land.'

"The witness will confine his 'Knock knock' answers to 'Who's there?'"

'No need to text me the answer to that. I'm right here.'

'I got a suspended sentence.'

"Honestly, I have no idea what a 'habeas corpus' is."

The hour of justice

"Can you hear me now?"

'Let's agree to disagree.'

"Mr. Evans, it's a speeding ticket. You can't plea insanity."

"...and we hope that, for a cyber-crime, you will consider a cyber-penalty."

Counsel examining witness

'I bet this is going to be another round of criminal bashing, isn't it?'

"Let's take in a trial."

"And here's good news for the defense. I am disqualifying myself on the grounds of blatant prejudice."

'Tell the truth: does this affidavit make me look fat?'

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

A Court Reporter's Pocket Knife

"My client will not answer that question as it presupposes his sanity."

''The buck stops here'? What a coincidence, your honor. My nickname is 'the Buck'.'

"Guilty of a sense of humor in a tight-ass world."

"I sentence you 500 hours of community service - You can start by mopping this floor."