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Asleep on an airplane

Still Lives: 'What's wrong, don't you love me anymore?'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"Consider yourself lucky that you only got a little shaken up in that dryer--socks get lost in that thing and aren't ever seen again.'

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

'We found you in a cabbage!'

In utero...boy, THOSE were the days!

Tequila Mockingbird

"Maybe I'm aiming too high...maybe 'saving for a cool car' is too hard."

'NO, it DOESN'T come on DISC!'

"It was your idea to install the TV dish on the church spire"

"Pumpkin spice has been very good to me."

'You certainly went to town growing all that lettuce so I've dressed for dinner.'

'Guess who's teething?'

'Henry, cut that out.'

'You've made a breakthrough in FINANCIAL research?', 'Yep! - I split the ATM!'

"Relax, he could just be looking for fun."

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

Sure, snoring is a big issue at our house too: you've seen the size of my dad's nose...

'Hi! I'm a freshman -- when do I get corrupted?'

"Oh you kids and that cursed painting in the closet keep me young."

"When you said we were going to push the boat out tonight, I thought you meant we were going to a fancy restaurant!"

Beer Lunch

Under New Mismanagement

'I'm home, Honey! Come see what I picked up at the Farmers Market!'

"What?!"

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

Top Ten Elevator Hits of All Time

Sawrd Fighting

"I hate when this happens."

'You don't sniff my butt anymore.'

My Youtube channel's taking off. Mine too, little buddy. You have a Youtube channel? Of course, it's got 12.8 million subscribers. I accompanies my best-selling MANuals book series. I post a video per day. There's "Pickup Artist Mondays," "Man-Grooming Tuesdays," "Relationship Escape-Artist Wednesdays" ... "Become an Alpha in Five Minutes Thursdays" ... "New Advances in Speedos Fridays," and "Using Quantum Physics and the Multiverse Theory to Explain Why that Lady She Caught You with was Actuall

I told you not to touch its belly.

'Look, that peasant is eating something -- the economy's on the move again!'

"Really, yes, I'm on a diet too: I need to almost double my summer weight before the start of the winter hibernation..."