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Beer in a mousetrap

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

'Seriously. You have to get one of these.'

'I gotta admit it doc. . . My wife was right, a little time on the couch and I already feel better.'

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

'I'm tired of roaming the earth. Can we just stay home tonight?'

"Today let's work on changing channels, drinking with a mouthful of food, and yelling at the TV all at the same time."

"Tell me why you think people are out to get you."

"This sounds promising. . . dark brown hair, loyal, cuddly and good in bed."

The Common Sutra.

'I can't bear to be without you.'

"At our age I'd say we have about two or three binge watches left in us."

'Ask your doctor if getting your fat butt off the couch might be right for you!'

Hugs 50 cents

"Just sitting here widening. You?"

Eventual Motion Machine

The four freedoms: freedom to bark, freedom from fetching, freedom to sleep on any piece of furniture, freedom from leashes.

"Thanks so much for letting me crash here, I really appreciate how unassertive you are."

"Well, if I was ambitious, we'd have a nice house and more money, but I'd never be around."

'And now for the (Yawn!) morning report....'

'Short brown hair. Very cuddly, good in bed.'

Sale. We need something that will meet our growing backsides.

"How much for the couch without the potato?"

"Anywhere with cable T.V. will be fine."

"You need the exercise, so I bought you a bigger remote."

"I'll always love you just the way I am."

'Yes, it's a very interesting show, but we really need to talk about all the time you waste watching it - perhaps during the next commercial break.'

Leaning on a friend

'I can't enjoy the stuff I steal because I set fire to it all.'

John bought himself a new "Unfit" bracelet.

"I know that in these bad times nobody is hiring and workers are still being laid off, but what will be your excuse when the economy recovers?"

"What I don't understand is why people waste their time writing when they might not get published,."

"Sorry, dear, but vowing NOT to climb Mount Everest this year isn't a valid New Year's resolution."

"I don't want to sound simplistic, but I think a smaller couch with fewer throw pillows would help this marriage a lot."

'Darling! This isn't a property programme at all! It's the view from our living room window..'