Couch Comic Pillows

'I know I'm just a weather reporter, doc, but I feel guilty every time it rains.'

"Where did you get all these pictures of my father coming home drunk?"

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

'Seriously. You have to get one of these.'

'John is watching the game under protest.'

"Fancy dyeing your hair white so everyone could see it was you who played a shocker!"

Couch and Potato

"We subscribe to five streaming services so why are we never able to see the hot new show everybody is raving about?"

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

Your problems are all in your head, Al. This time you're wrong, doctor. I happen to be lying on my keys. The problem is not in my head. It's in my left buttock.

"It's not just me, Dad. Amazon.com has never made a cent, either."

"Arthur, the bird's gone and done it again."

'So, what's it gonna be? Are we gonna watch a good cop show tonight, or a bad cop show?'

'I'm going to refer you to Dr. Keinsorge -- he actually enjoys this sort of thing.'

'That's a full ten minutes with the TV off. What now?'

The Bronze Age of Television

'Next on News 7...GM offers to bail out the government in the event of a shutdown...'

Home Sweet Mortgage (worth more than the house).

"I am a control freak."

"This is for all the things you have already heard about via social media."

"I've seen this film ten times and it's still awful."

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

"You know I always sit there for my keep fit programme!"

"Police have no suspects at the present time but believe that the motive for robbery was the desire for increased income."

'I told you, never utter that four letter work - 'walk!''

If you're going to wear a GoPro, Larry, you have to actually go.

Mud Slinging

"I want you to be open and honest and to not leave any hair on the couch."

"Why can't you just bat the ball of yarn around like other cats?"

WARNING - This Programme Contains No Strong Language.....

'Yes, it's a very interesting show, but we really need to talk about all the time you waste watching it - perhaps during the next commercial break.'

'He's training for the London Marathon,he watches it every year.'

I'd say you've got assertivity issues

"What I don't understand is why people waste their time writing when they might not get published,."

"Have we got time for a quick argument before our programme starts..?"